No baby, no cry...but I really cried alot today

So my day was NOT suposed to go as it did. At all. I got up to go for treatment at the cancer center for 8 am. The back-up on the northway should have been my warning. Sat there and sat there forever, then my gas light comes on. I'm lucky I made it to the hospital! So I go into the lab as usual...they take my blood, then I go upstaires to see Dr. Giatti, my hematologist...she asked me how things were going...long story short: I had severe pain in my right calf last week, I had an ultrasound thursday to check for a blood clot. It was negative, so yay! My leg felt better like the next day, then I started to have really bad chest pain, couldnt take a breath in or move my left arm. I was in bed all day couldnt move..thought I had just pulled a muscle from having bronchitis...But I also have had 5 asthma attacks in the past 2 weeks, been on antibiotics, and taking my rescue inhaler regularly. I told my dr this morning and she was immediatly concerned, I had no clue what could be wrong...She explained that it was most likely a PE (pulmonary embolism/blood clot in my lung) just by hearing my symptoms. Mike came down..she called my OB, I went over there, had another NST, she checked me...blah no change. She says they will put me on lovenox ect..They wont induce me bc my cervix isnt ripe...so im waiting:(  But she did do something painful in there to help things along..I was sent back over the hospital to have a CT scan of my chest..By this point it was 12:30 I had cried my eyes out several times, then I get this paperwork to sign...It tells me all of the horrible things that could happen to my baby bc of the amount of radiation. possibility of childhood cancer...just horrible...I cry AGAIN, more...so after reading and mike reading we decided to do it bc I could die if we dont do it...The scan wasnt that bad, besides the warm feeling in your throat, tongue, hands, and further down. Then once that is finally over, I have to sit for 2+ hours with a cath in my arm with mike and tyler for them to tell me it was negative. However, she explained that they cant always see them bc it could be small. The pain is still there. whatever, im not dying, it was a day from hell, i'm going to wait patiently for baby to get here. Thankful for no more treatments, no more shots, bloodwork, no PE..or too small to worry about, no blood thinners, just time...waiting for my prize. And im ok with that. 

were getting there.

Baby is getting bigger and I am too. Finally gaining some weight. 4 pounds total so far(he is almost 5 lbs too!) Being sick has made gaining impossible, but baby is getting what he needs. I have an appointment tomorrow afternoon. Not sure what they do when youre like 35 weeks but i'll see tmrw. I have about 30 -40 days left. I had a visit to the cancer center on monday. Just when I thought I was doing better I was informed that my blood work wasnt all that great. I had an infussion and an extra shot of B12, bc it was so low. She didnt tell me what my platelets were, but I could tell it wasnt good by how she was talking.  Im upset, im angry bc I was doing so good for months. Feeling great, totally not feeling pregnant except for the belly...now I have barely left my house in 4 days. I cannot grocery shop, drive, or cut up my kids' meat. I want all that back. This whole situation has made my health and life so unpredictable. These 2 nice ladies have been coming to my house and reading me scripture, and it has helped me see that this will all be over soon. No one wants this suffering, but there are reasons behind everything that happens. I am here to create this life and he will come healthy and be another miracle baby. 

so much to say I cant think of anything...

I have ITP, blood clotting disorder. Low platelets and anemia. Seeing mucho drs, feeling cruddy most days, human pin cushion, 3 more months to go. Mike is leaving for camp edwards in 11 days and will be gone most of August.  I've done school shopping. Yes already! I'm drinking my calories and vitamins. and taking more vitamins...and more meds...this little boy better be cute. ;)  Not sleeping very well. Mike was gone for 16.5 hours today. Baby is kicking hard, he's breech. for now. Im kind of miserable. With mike leaving and not feeling well. stuck home with the kids. Theres so much to do but I cant do it alone so right now we do nothing bc mommy cant. I've tried trust me and almost died trying. Buying a new wood swingset wednesday for the kids. since it's pretty expensive my mom and dad helped some. crazy night tonight. im very tired and wish mike didnt have to work so much. then he tries coming home and theres an accident and he has to stop bc he's an emt...car vs tractor trailer on 87.  I havent gained anything infact ive lost 5-10 lbs at 25 weeks..
im seriously feeling sad bc mike is gone not just alot but all the time...im seriously getting angry. he left before the kids woke up and was just home before midnight. Being pregnant, having 3 kids and a house to take care of, I feel cheated not having him here to be a husband and father to our kids. My kids feel angry thats he's never here. they cry for him. it's not fair.  and it doesnt seem like hes trying to make it easier on us, he's just leaving it up to me. Everything. pregnant, sick, and taking care of kids by myself. Zero support. I dont think he ever even asks how im doing. if im on the phone with him, it's 2 seconds later, before we can even start a conversation, that he has to go...someones calling him, customers is waiting on the porch...all of this is starting to weigh me down. when you dont have someone there for you, emotionally or anyother way, what happens? I know what happens and its not good. Here's Mikes life and everything he does and wants to do and then theres us...all the people left here waiting for him all the time...to call or come home...breakfast lunch and dinners everyday with just me and the kids...headaches with no relief, endless chores and fights to break up...alone. Holidays, sundays, birthdays, school functions, all alone.  This bitterness is mounting. My kids need a father. Not a father that will only be around a few days a month. They need someone to help them make memories, hold their hand, tuck them in to bed, read them stories, make sand castles with them, teach them to swim and to ride a bike, teach them right from wrong, take them fishing, I've done all of that, and daddy hasnt. When is too much really too damn much? When someones priorities are fucked and they really DONT get it and see what they are doing to their children and family by being so absent, what do you do?!

Spared

My kids and I were traveling south on 87 between exits 15 and 12 to go to the Tree Padd. We were meeting up with my friend and her boys, driving along like any other day I saw a black car in my rear view and it was extremely close to my bumper. I checked my speed, and I was good. A couple seconds later the car went behind us and into the left lane, crossed over the speed rivits and into the dirt and then pulled bacl on to the road and started going extremely fast past me again. There were quite a few vehicles on the road and she was just swerving in and out, no signal, atleast 10 near misses. Crossed the entire 3 lanes in front of me, no signals, went off the right side of the road 2 more times. This could have caused a deadly chain reaction with one small bump. At one point I even sped up some to avoid her hitting me. There was an suv that almost hit her a few cars in front of me and they slammed on their brakes. So this was a woman driving a black car, there was a passenger, and the car had a Conn. plate. So after 10 or so minutes of this, my kids were really scared I got off exit 13 and called the police, gave them the info that I knew in a short version. This woman wasnt texting, wasnt on the phone, I dont think she had her seat belt on either. She was literally driving like she wanted to kill herself or others. Had to have been  under some sort of influence. So the officer on the phone was amazing, so nice, and got the info as quick as possible. Here's the kicker. The kids and I had just gotten to the tree padd in Malta, i paid, sat down, and my phone starts to vibrate, it's the police, they found the car and driver, she had crashed her vehicle and was off the road up 87 a bit further. Now the officer couldnt tell me anything else. She thanked me and was very happy the kids and I were ok. I believe my kids and I were spared. I just pray she didnt hurt anyone else.

It's JUNE already.

On Saturday I got to see my Gram. My Mom brought her from the Nursing home to watch Dylans t ball game. It was awesome. She got to see the kiddos, and not in the setting of a bunch of dementia patients. Way cool! Tyler spent alot of time with her, he kept peeking at her from the backseat of my moms car saying Hi great grandma! And he got her to do thumbs up with him. Too cute wish I had my camera.  She had a root beer and they split it. For those of you that dont know my Grammy she is crazy like me, die hard independent, traveler, awesome sense of humor, would do anything for anyone kind of person.  Always has died her hair blond, and I saw her for the first time with pure white hair.  She has kidney and liver cancer and diabetes. She survived breast cancer 4 years ago and had a double mastectomy. I'm so heart broken by this.

Last week I went for my routine prenatal visit and I had had some blood work done and they gave the results. My iron was low, which means im anemic, no surprise to me...but they also said I have low blood platelets and referred me to oncology and hematology at the C.R.  Wood cancer center in GF hospital. The dr's name is Dr. Grubbs.  I go this friday the 11th. I have no clue what they are going to do. They told me not to worry, but i'm slightly worried.  I got this huge 9 page booklet of paperwork to fill out from the cancer center on Friday and I filled it out tonight. Huge amount of family history and so on. There is quite a bit of cancer in my family. and sudden deaths by aneurysms. Anyways, hoping for nothing to be wrong, dont think I can deal. A baby is enough. Oh and 3 other kids plus a pain in the butt husband.

June 14th, Dylans 6th Birthday, 7 more days until we make the drive to Albany med for the level II ultrasound of our baby, hoping that SHE (haha) is healthy and perfect in every way. Happy that Kae and Zoey are coming up for it, and Diana will be coming too. I feel alittle uneasy about the baby, the reason is...im not really growing or gaining weight. Im on an obscene amount of meds, which I wish I didnt have to take but I do. Meds that put my baby at risk for growth restriction, addiction, and withdrawal once born. The reason behind the level II ultrasound.  I'm honestly scared that she will come out less than perfect or too early or have trouble...or not make it at all. I havent felt kicking very much. I had contractions @ 17 weeks that really scared the heck out of me. I mean alot of contractions, every 2 minutes for hours, one right after the other. The guess is that not having my heart meds for 48 hours my body had withdrawals from it which put me into labor basically. I waited against drs orders and stayed home and they finally stopped around midnight.  I have had some contractions since then but not nearly as many or as intense. I was literally breathing through them.  So now at 18 weeks, I did get permission to go to work but for only as long as I felt comfortable with. Well  I am a security guard at SPAC and I was working Dave Matthews and I blacked out..and I mean OUT! I was standing there at my gate was feeling dizzy and then gradually everything was moving around me, starting to go black, so i walked 20 feet and sat on a patch of grass and on my walk my hearing went, I could hear anything. Weird, bc nothing like that has ever happened to me, I sat down and felt better, walked back over and then started to feel like crap again.  Could someone just explain to me why this is happening?  All of it,  the daily migraines??  The feeling of being stuck,no ambition, depressed, I cant even go back to work pretty much. This sucks after I had everyone convinced that im tough then ended up on a stretcher. It sucks that i let down myself and my co workers. Thinking I can do something and not physically being able to do it takes a huge hit to everything inside me. I feel like a failure right now so bad.

Officially the worst Mothers Day ever!

Arent we supposed to get atleast a break on Mothers Day?!  So pissed right now! I have THE shittiest family ever(my side)! My Mom just royally pissed me off. We made tentative plans for breakfast this morning.  I originally wanted to go out for breakfast to like a buffet kind of thing before Mike went to work...Then I said well scratch breakfast out bc I looked into  my wallet and didnt think I had enough money for everyone. As it turns out Mike had taken money out of my wallet as usual. So then I mentioned just having breakfast  at her house...then she proceeded to say my brother was coming up and she didnt know if maybe he was going to take her out for breakfast and that she'd get back to me.  Yeah didnt hear from her about anything to do with getting together and now its Mother's Day way beyond breakfast time...So 3pm I call her and she was already at my aunt peggys house, with my gram  and the rest of my entire family which may or may not include my brother...which I WAS NEVER INVITED TO!  So she answers and says Hi Becky...and I said Hi...as I can hear everyone in the backround...i said you never called me and she says LOUDLY well i'm the mother you were supposed to call me on mothers day...seriously!?  Then I can hear my Aunt, start laughing and say some snide remark. As usual.  Then I go into the fact that we kinda had plans and she says oh that was canceled you couldn't afford it! Then I got made as I knew she just announced that in front of everyone loudly and I just hung up!  Seriously what kind of Mother does that?  I guess the same kind of mother that left me alone all  the time, never set boundries, never helped with homework  or got help for me, never led me as a real parent or grandparent for that matter, never lifted me up when I was down, treated me as if I were an inconvenience, never taught me how to be who I am, but just left me to fend for myself, penniless at 16 yrs old and taking care of myself.  Is it time for me to move on and shed that responsibility?  Just bc she gave birth to me?  She never protected me, or taught me the right way...I learned on my own. Where was my good example?  


OK, onward...so for some reason my boys are fighting very bad today.  Constantly for the past 6 hours. That really has gotten on my nerves.  I'm so upset I havent called anyone I should to wish them a happy mothers day...Even though I will see them in an hour...I still feel bad.  But unfortunately I just cant stand talking to anyone right now bc I am so upset.  Mike actually called but I told him I was too upset to talk. I really wish he didnt have to work. Tyler now has a black eye, dylan got hit in the head, tylers fingers got shut in the fridge, the place is a mess, and I'm a mess.  I really wanted a small, just a teeny little break today...and I really deserve it I swear.  But they are watching ICE AGE: DAWN OF THE DINOSAURS and giggling and that is helping alot. I love my kids. Little turds.

oy!

How can one kid be so angry and violent. I cannot deal with this. I cant let my kids play outside, they gravitate towards other kids. And that would be fine however there are two kids that live across t he street that my kids can get along with but most of the time they don't.  So their Mom (a single mom) and I are friends but the relationship has been strained on and off bc of the kids' fighting.  We have known each other a very long time and it just so happened that her and the kids moved in across the street a few yrs ago. And they've played alot. So they have pretty much been a bad influence on my kids. They swear, talk back, dont listen, and are just rude...an example: walking into my house more times than I can count whenever they want without knocking, in fact in the middle of dinner, ripping my daughters screen on her window, going into an old ladys house down  the road to take lollipops when she wasnt home. They were all together, they knocked on the door,  then some walked in and  took and others'(my kids) stayed on the porch saying NO! Oh and i'm sure theres more, yes there is They attacked  ty and kicked him in the stomach continuously. Somehow my kids are the ones always getting hurt and Ty is taking the brunt of it and Haileys either sticking up for herself or her brothers. I  have grounded them  from playing with them so many times its not funny. At this point they are supposed to be moving soon.   It is so tempting for my kids bc the others have every  toy under the sun. razor scooters,  4 wheelers...and blah. I've tried explaining to my kids that they shouldnt play with people who are mean to them, and that they area bad influence. In fact Tyler was swearing so bad last summer  when he was  2 and 3. I had to wash his mouth out with soap, he did stop but the other 2  never swore.  These kids  moved in after their  impressionable stage. What do I do? When my husband comes home and sees hailey and tys face  i have no clue whats going to happen?! She scratched and cut haileys face it was bleeding. Ty  has a bruise next to his eye, bc the other little girl pushed him off the slide.